Sloshed Shredding for Science

Rock and Booze: The Ultimate Combination

For the longest time now, prominent rock acts have subsisted on a heavy cocktail of drugs and alcohol to add that layer of excitement and enthusiasm to their performances.  We need only think of great bands like The Doors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, AC/DC and the Eagles to conjure up an image of fantastic rockers who were simultaneously off their faces.

So how would the consumption of alcohol effect those who like to simulation rock?  My hypothesis was that drinking could only have a negative effect on my ability to play accurately.  But, being the scientific lad that I am, I resolved to put it to the test.

Note that this was a completely scientific endeavour, and certainly not something I just did because I like getting drunk for any reason what-so-ever.

To assist me, I gathered my lab assistants Jacalee and Moose, who would document my progress through the experience.  I publish the results here for your edification and study:

THE EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL ON SIMULATION ROCK
by Matthew J W, B.A.

Fig. 1 (above), Fig. 2 (below)

Hypothesis: Given alcohol’s tendency to impair one’s motor skills, we put it to our scientific peers that as the test subject grows steadily more and more drunk over the time frame of three hours, their ability to successfully play a given track using Harmonix’s Rock Band will decrease accordingly.  To test this theory, we will be thrashing out the lead guitar chart of Massachusetts-born Boston‘s “More Than A Feeling” and testing my accuracy at different levels of sobriety.

Apparatus: To test our hypothesis, subject will use:

1. Harmonix’s break out rhythm game Rock Band (see Fig. 1).  We chose Rock Band because of it’s innate lure to drunkards, and also because Mark has borrowed my Rock Band 2 and won’t give it back just yet.  Also assistant Moose believes it’s more fun to play on drums.  He may just be right.
2. Bacardi Breezer (Lemon), twelve (see Fig. 2).  The Breezer’s long standing status as the booze of choice for binge-drinking teenage females made this a popular option.  Not only is each Breezer individually one standard drink, but can also be consumed quickly if science demands it.  It’s lemon fresh fizzy taste will also decrease the chances of regurgitation later on in the experiment, although that chance is very high.  Matt is quick to point out that he usually never stoops to this level of drinking, he much prefers the far manlier “mixed bourbon and coke in a tallboy can”.  Classy.

EXPERIMENTATION:

The following sections are written in the first person, by test subject Matt.

Control Experiment: Zero Drinks Consumed, or; “As Sober As I Get”

Fig. 3

I’ll admit being fairly impatient with this playthrough, as finishing it meant that I got to start drinking.  It was after 5 o’clock, after all.  We chose “More Than A Feeling” as our test song because of it’s memorable lyrics, and tendency to be sung out loud when drunk.  The song ranks as “Moderate” on Rock Band‘s difficulty scale, and will be played through on the “Expert” difficulty level on each test.

Results: The end result was a score of 99%.  A few notes were dropped, but overall the score was acceptable.  I was a little worried that this gave me no room to move on the improvement scale, but discussion with my assistants yielded the response that we were only attempting to document alcohol’s negative effects on play, so we have accepted this score and song as the control.  See Fig. 3 for photographic evidence.

Experiment One: Three Drinks In An Hour, or; “Legally Drunk”

Fig. 4

If Australia’s boring TAC ads have taught us nothing else (and they probably haven’t), it’s that two drinks for females, or three drinks for males, inside an hour is enough to place someone over the legal limit for intoxication (a blood alcohol reading of .05%).  We thought this a sensible place to begin experimentation.  I doubted the effects that only three drinks would have on my ability to play, but the group considered this the best place to start.

Results:  Sure enough, this playthrough resulted in a score of 99%.  Again, I only dropped a few notes through the song, although they were in different places now.  This suggests that alcohol is not yet effecting my motor skills as much as luck is.  One thing I did notice on this playthrough however is that everyone is singing along a little louder this time.  See Fig. 4 for photographic evidence.

Experiment Two: Five Drinks In An Hour And A Half, or; “Tipsy”

Fig. 5

Using the assumed knowledge (ie: we “guessed”) that if three drinks can make a male drunk in an hour, then two drinks in an hour would simply sustain the same level of booze-osity.  To this effect, I’m now drinking two drinks per half hour to guarantee that I’m at least one standard drink higher than my last test each time.  The booze isn’t really effecting me much yet, but I get the feeling that the following drinks will.

Results:  I’ve recorded a perfect score of 100%.  I was concentrating what seemed to me to be a lot harder because I don’t want to fail out just by messing up.  I want the study to show what effect the alcohol has taken on my play.  The test team is now concerned however that our empirical science isn’t quite as scientific as it could be, as we’ve been playing the same song a couple of times in the last hour, hence have also become more practiced with it.  Concluding that if we changed song at this point then our previous scores would be meaningless, we press onward with the knowledge that we can still possibly record a negative effect on accuracy caused by alcohol.  Also, whee, booze!  See Fig. 5 for photographic evidence.

Experiment Three: Seven Drinks In Two Hours, or; “Tipsy Plus”

Fig. 6

Booze is definitely having an effect now.  I’ve aquired the usual drunken impulse to switch to vocals for a few songs before coming back to the guitar for the next test.  Also, which idiot chose Lemon Breezers as the test drink?  Totally should have gone Raspberry Vodka Cruisers.  Or maybe Green Apple UDLs?  I’m so awash with jealously for a range of different lollipop drinks.  I’m a fool.  A sexy, fully justified fool.

Results:  While not as impressive as the previous score, this playthrough yields a highly respectable 98%.  Note streaks took a lashing, but accuracy really wasn’t highly effected.  My rising level of intoxication and relatively unchanged score has reignited debate over the increasing familiarity we’re gaining over the song chart by playing it every half hour.  Again, we’ve come all this way, so have to continue.  See Fig. 6 for photographic evidence.

Experiment Four: Nine Drinks In Two And A Half Hours, or; “Prognosis: Drunk”

Fig. 7

Why the hell didn’t we remember to stock up on snacks before beginning this experiment?  I don’t really have enough time to skip out of the house and down to the supermarket within the half hour gap between tests.  I’d kill for a bag of Cheetos at this point.  Moose has ceremonially changed out of pants and into pyjamas, firmly declaring his “this is as far as I’m travelling” intent for the night.  Whatta bastard.

Results:  Well fuck me, I scored 99%.  Played this one better than the last run, and I’m way drunker!  This is the final straw for the group.  I’ve gotten steadily drunk and still no major change in the results.  I decide that we should “go for broke” and simply injest the remaining booze in one last push for the final test.  Pizza is ordered in lieu of anyone getting up to go to the shops for snacks.  Fig. 7 illustrates the amount of booze I’ve drunk, and my official reaction to the test’s results so far, by unfortunately does not record the score.  In his drunken exuberance Moose accidentally skipped past the score screen, so you’ll have to trust me on this one.

Final Experiment: Twelve Drinks In Three Hours, or; “Beyond Mel Gibson Drunk”

Fig. 8

All twelve drinks consumed, I’m assuredly quite smashed now.  I have the usual head nodding and inability to focus (you’ll notice somewhere along the way in the photos I’ve put my glasses on to help with this).  Hell, I’m even drunk enough to have ordered pizza from our local delivery place, which does AWFUL pizza.  A fact I’m been reminded of having just taken a bite of my first slice.  This will be the last test in the experiment, given that I’ve run out of drinks and seem to be having a hard time using my laptop’s keyboard.

Results:  Egads, it’s 99%.  I’m drunk enough to feel ill, to get the head nods, to think that pizza from our pizza shop is edible, to continue to attempt the song’s highest note, but not drunk enough to effect my score in any meaningful way.  Bizarre.  Call this one BUSTED folks!  BUSTED!  I’ve gotta go to work tomorrow.  Oh dear.  Pic related: It’s Fig. 8.

CONCLUSION:

I would have thought this one was an open and shut hypothesis, readers, I really did, but the results didn’t seem to suffer at all as my intoxication increased.  Really, we can only come to one conclusion about this experiment, and that is that alcohol may impair your ability to operate heavy machinery, but it doesn’t impair your ability to operate heavy METAL machinery.  I looked online to try and find some corresponding evidence for what our test had found.  Via Bio-Medicine.Org I found that researchers in Dartmouth had, like us, recently been investigating alcohol’s effects on the brain, and the results sounded highly familiar:

We found that the brain does a pretty good job at compensating for the effect that alcohol has on the brain’s ability to process the visual information needed to adjust motor commands.  Alcohol selectively suppresses the brain areas needed to incorporate new information into subsequent and correct motor function.

-John D. Van Horn, Dartmouth College

In plainer English, there appears to be part of the brain that will simply circumvent the thought process while intoxicated to deliver a motor response.  Kind of like the way that reflexes work.  This would explain the reason that you can be blind drunk, and still remember all the dance moves to Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby”.

Fig. 9

So there you have it.  Drinking (at least in my case) doesn’t effect your ability to simulation rock.  It may, however, have some other rather unpleasant side-effects, such as Fig. 9.  Lemon Breezers indeed.  I’ll never listen to “More Than A Feeling” the same way again, trust me.  You’ll notice that Moose has helpfully given me my guitar controller to hold while I rid myself of the un-needed scientific apparatus too.  Sweet guy.

AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Now kids, we all know drinking is hilarious fun harmful to your health, and can lead to being awesome debilitating liver damage amongst many other health concerns.  Please, consult your physician if you want to take part in jello-shots scientific experiments like those you’ve read about today!  Enjoy alcohol responsibly, and in as large a quantity as you possibly can safely.