I hope you didn't think I was going to waste this template...

The mysterious countdown on Bioware’s website has ended and unfortunately, none of our predictions came true.  Staff hadn’t been listening to too much Europe and it turns out their calendars work just fine.

What the company announced at when the timer expired was the BioWare Bazaar - a week-long series of online auctions to celebrate its 15th birthday.  Bidding will be made in tokens, which people can win by completing challenges using their Twitter accounts, and a few other specified activities.  So what’s up for grabs? Well the prizes list boasts 412 different prizes.  Here’s just a quick selection:

• Mass Effect 2 Collector’s Edition Artwork Branded Computer
• Dragon Age: Origins Black Box Art Branded Computer
• Shepard Statue (presumably town square sized)
• Griffon Hat
• Where’s Shepard Cling
• BioWare Travel Mug
• And Many More!

So what are you waiting for – go on over to the BioWare Bazaar page and get tweeting if you’re that way inclined.  Auctions begin on April 6.

… that is of course unless you happen to live in anywhere outside of the US like us, in which case you’re not actually eligible to enter.  Thanks BioWare!  We didn’t know international shipping was going to ruin your budget!

Sure, the engine freezes up in the cold…

Firewalker is the latest chunk of DLC released free of charge on the Cerberus network for Mass Effect 2 and I know quite a few people had high hopes for it – especially since the previous pack was a bit underwhelming.  Unfortunately, not much has changed this time out other than the download size…

The premise of the Firewalker pack is that a couple of Cerberus researchers have gone missing.  When you turn up at their last known location you don’t find them but you find one of their toys – the M-57 Hammerhead hover tank.  You’re then supposed to go around collecting clues to find out what the researchers were doing and where they’ve disappeared to.

I had some problems piloting the Hammerhead at first, largely because the default key bindings didn’t match the on-screen instructions.  No matter how many times I pressed left shift, I definitely wasn’t jumping and nothing much else seemed to work either.  After a quick key re-mapping I was on my way… after a fashion.  Y’see, piloting the Hammerhead takes a bit of getting used to and even once you’ve been at it a while you’ll still be running into shit.  If there was anything alive on the volcano planet where you first land it would’ve pissed itself laughing at my initial efforts.

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Take notes, kids, we're only 13 years away!

It’s amazing what one option can do to change your perception of a game.  For the recently released Metro 2033 from Ukrainian developers 4A Games, that option is a Russian language track.

I should probably explain.  My Metro 2033 review was supposed to be finished last week, and while I undoubtedly enjoyed the game, I’d drafted a whole section around the game’s voice acting and how unimpressed I was with the English dub.  So two playthroughs completed, all in English, and I figure I’m ready to complete my write-up.  Then, thanks to a heads up from several people online, I discover that this whole time the game has had the option for Russian language audio and I’d never seen it, thanks to never staying in the Main Menu and a particularly unhelpful game manual.

And with this one toggle, Metro 2033 has gone from being just alright to atmospheric brilliance in my books.  Why?  Well, let’s elaborate…

Metro 2033, based on the novel of the same name by Russian author Dmitry Glukhovsky, is set in a post-apocalyptic Russia where humanity has been forced to take shelter inside the Moscow train system to protect themselves from the nuclear winter playing out on the surface.  The protagonist is a young man named Artyom, who sets out to save his home station of Exhibition from the attacks of an unknown enemy, referred to only as “the Dark Ones”.  To do so, Artyom must make his way through Moscow’s radiation infested tunnels, fighting to survive against both metro mutants and other survivors alike, decipher the Dark Ones’ goal and cobble together a workable defence.

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Great scott, Megaman!

This week’s new release list is brought to you by the kind folks at IDKFA Pty Ltd.  Remember the days when you just couldn’t be fucking bothered finding the red keycard and all you wanted to do was get on with the important business of killing hellspawn with your sweet plasma rifle?  Remember the days when there was something you could actually do about it?  The good folks at IDKFA Pty Ltd do, and they pity the foo that makes you actually work to complete a game.  They remember the good old days of god modes and walking through walls, and they think you should too.

Anyway, coming to an Australian store near you this week are:

• Mega Man 10 (March 31, 360)
• Zeno Clash – Ultimate Edition (March 31, 360)
• Just Cause 2 (April 1, 360 / PC / PS3)

… aaaand it seems that’s about it.  And since there’s not a lot else to talk about we here at Armchair Diplomat would like to congratulate Mega Man for finally putting a double-digit number at the end of his latest game title - despite this being his 50-somethingth video game outing.  To Mega Man!

Several meticulous hours in MS Paint

Or at least that’s one of the wild theories I’m starting based on the unexplained countdown Bioware has put on its website, as well as the websites for Mass Effect 2 and and Dragon Age: Origins.

It’s due to expire Monday morning US time and in the absence of any official explanations, people have been coming up with all sorts of fun theories.  It doesn’t coincide with the release date of any already-announced DLC for Mass Effect or Dragon Age so people are speculating that it might be further DLC or, more likely, the announcement of a new game – possibly the “new next gen game” listed in the site’s navigation.

That sounds like a solid theory – but it’s got the downside of being absolutely zero fun.  So let’s jump on the bandwagon and come up with some stupid theories of our own!  Here goes:

• The countdown is never actually intended to reach zero: with two minutes left on the clock it’ll stop and Iron Maiden’s 2 Minutes to Midnight will play on all the company’s websites.
• The company will be releasing an officially-sanctioned compilation of Wrex / Shepard fan fiction.
• The announcement of an exciting new joint venture with Sheridan which will produce Dragon Age branded rat blankets.
• A public address system glitch has resulted in Europe’s The Final Countdown being played non-stop for the past week at Bioware’s offices, causing the staff to snap.
• Bioware staff got a fantastic bulk deal on desk calendars.  Unfortunately, they’re missing a few days and the company’s plans for the BEST APRIL FOOL’S DAY PRANK EVAR!!1!!!!1! will result only in confusion and annoyance among the gaming public rather than the planned epic lulz.

Feel free to speculate wildly in the comments field.  Or you could just wait four days and find out for real but where’s the lulz in that?  Watch it yourself with bated breath at the Bioware site.

The company really wants to take over news pages today, BTW.  One of its developers, Christina Norman, has been tweeting about starting work on something called “Project Wombat” for Mass Effect 3.  Apparently the limited ammo system for Mass 2 was dubbed “Project Sasquatch” while it was in the works, so it’s safe to assume the name means nothing.  Or … does it?  Read for yourself.

Kasumi: the 12th (wo)man in Shepard's squad.

There’s been a whole bunch of DLC announcements for Mass Effect 2 recently.  Here’s a quick wrap up:

First of all, the Firewalker pack containing the much-awaited hover-tank and new missions has just been released, and as promised it’s free to everyone a Cerberus Network membership.  I’ll be doing a writeup on it in the next few days.  Members can also download a new weapon for free – the Cerberus Arc Projector.

For those who want to spend 160 MS / BioWare points you can download some new threads for Garrus, Thane and Jack.  And for 80 points, 360 users can download some purty Gamerpics.  They include portraits of Tali, Thane, Samara, Grunt and of course default male-model-Shepard*.

Lastly, the worst kept secret of the lot has been confirmed – another DLC pack is coming that will give you access to a 12th squad member, Kasumi.  Expect it in early April and for it to set you back 560 points.  Naturally there’s a new loyalty mission where apparently you’ll get to do some thieving.  Sounds like fun.

That’s it for the moment, imma gonna go shake my fist at the download meter and shout “Where’s my hovertank!” for the next 28 minutes.  You can visit the official Bioware page for more info in the meantime.

* Wrex.  Shepard?  Wrex.

OK, so if you read my Battlefield: Bad Company 2 review yesterday, you’ll recall that I mentioned the multiplayer had a few slight problems. Well, randomly browsing YouTube today, I’ve gotta say that this bug (as demonstrated by user R3n7on) takes the cake:

Now people since the days of Counterstrike have hailed the knife as the weapon that will help you run faster and bunny-hop quicker, but chop down a whole house? That’s a new one on me.

And now that you’ve all seen how it’s done, I trust that you’ll all be responsible little gamers and absolutely not exploit the knowledge for fun and profit.

… You’re already loading up a match to try it out, aren’t you?

UPDATE: After a user video removal, here’s a video demonstrating the same bug from YouTube user TrootsD2.

I hear the Standard Edition is even rarer than the pictured "Limited Edition"

Albert Einstein once famously said: “I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones”.  It’s a pity the brilliant mind didn’t live into the 21st century, because video games lately have been trying their hardest to answer the first part of his statement.

I’m reviewing Battlefield: Bad Company 2 this week, the latest mutliplayer shooter from DICE designed to spirit away our time online.  I specify multiplayer shooter because, like many of it’s current-gen peers, Bad Company 2 is an enthralling online experience with a single-player campaign thrown in.

In many ways, the great action game has come to reflect the great action movie.  Over-the-top, espionage based plots, set against exotic locales with sufficient big explosions to satisfy your average Michael Bay fan.  Bad Company 2 certainly delivers in all these regards, although it appears to have adopted a slightly more serious tone than the original game.  Sure, you’re still treated to some amusing banter here and there, but essentially much of B Company’s previous personality has gone AWOL.  In fact, anyone who hasn’t played the original could easily be forgiven for assuming the squad of military insubordinates were just regular soldiers with a sassy sense of humour.

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It’s Monday, and that means it’s time to let y’all know what’s due out this week.  This week’s list is brought to you by Alien Side Boob – because it’s been a while since gaming has been mired in a pointless controversy.

Anywho, on with the list!

• How To Train Your Dragon (March 24, 360/ DS / PS3 / Wii)
• Jonas (March 24, DS / OMGpuke)
• BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger (March 25, 360 / PS3)
• Disney Fairies: Tinkerbell’s Adventures (March 25, PC)
• Infinite Space (March 25, DS)
• Pokemon Lavender Wallpaper (March 25, DS)
• Racket Sports Party (March 25, Wii)
• Red Steel 2 (March 25, Wii)
• Resonance of Fate (March 25, 360 / PS3)
• Spongebob Boating Bash (March 25, DS / Wii)
• The Settlers 7: Paths to a Kingdom (March 25, PC)
• The Sky Crawlers: Innocent Aces (March 25, Wii)
• Water Sports (March 25, Wii)

So it’s a big week for cartoon-oriented gaming.  I note with interest that PC users have been dissed as about the only platform not to get How To Train Your Dragon – hands up if you’re sad about that one?

Mmmm, apt.

Happy Sunday everybody – Michael Atkinson, the face of the “video games are part of the cancer that is killing /kids/” campaign and probably the biggest obstacle to Australia finally getting an R18+ rating for games, has announced that he is retiring from the front bench of the South Australian Labor government.

While Atkinson will remain in parliament on the back bench, this does mean he’ll be giving up the post of state Attorney General and therefore will lose his power of veto on the game rating issue.  Which is a good thing, since in the past he’s claimed he would block an R18+ rating regardless of public opinion or the outcome of the public consultation process being run by the Federal Government.

This also means, of course, that we’ll never get to find out if he would’ve excercised his wicked-l33t backflipping skills on the issue (like he did for internet censorship).  Pity.

Just to add insult to injury, the Adelaide Now story announcing the news is carrying a poll in its sidebar asking readers “Are you happy that Michael Atkinson will no longer be South Australia’s Attorney General?”. At the time of writing the score was 427 yes, 19 no.  Seems he’s not really going to be missed.

We probably shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves because there’s no guarantee that Atkinson’s replacement is going to be any better for those looking for a little sanity in our games rating systems, but for now let’s just savour the moment.

In related news Kat Nicholson, who was standing against Atkinson as the Gamers4Croydon candidate, secured around 3.7% of the vote according to the South Australian Electoral Commission.  While this isn’t perhaps the wave of support they might have hoped for, it is significantly less than the “less than one percent” Michael Atkinson controversially predicted they’d recieve.  Fellow G4C candidate Chris Prior also looks unlikely to secure a seat on the state Legislative Council at the current time, although an outside hope remains with approximately 75% of the ballots counted.