It's wall bustingly good!

It is with a sad heart that Matt and I must announce that our band, The Afternoon Frolics, is breaking up.  We had a whirlwind time recording 5 albums and doing countless world tours since the creation of the band in mid-January.  Unfortunately, when living in close proximity with one another certain facts cannot be overlooked.  For us, it was that Matt, as band leader, refused an octopus the right to be our drummer.  I found this unacceptable and we have agreed to go our separate ways.  However, more about the break up of what many people referred to as “a modern day Herman’s Hermits” later.  Now it’s time for me to talk to you about what made our career possible: LEGO Rock Band.

Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of the Rock Band series.  Anyone that read what I wrote about it in our countdown of the best games of the previous decade would know my feelings about Harmonix and it’s rock creation.  From the outset they put out a strong product that showed that they were serious about what they were doing.  All the while LEGO had been turning it’s hand to games with the creation of the LEGO Star Wars and LEGO Indiana Jones thanks to the fine people at Traveller’s Tales. Harmonix, most likely to compete in the family friendly Wii market, teamed up with TT Fusion to create a LEGO rock spectacular.  Apparently only half of those at TT Fusion were on board with the concept, who wanted to make sure they “weren’t just skinning one franchise on another”.  Once their fears were allayed production was begun in late 2008, with release in November 2009.

And apparently we’re so lazy that we only bothered to pick it up in 2010.

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So Gears of War 3 (or as Epic’s Cliff Bleszinski likes to call it now: “the worst kept secret in gaming history”) has been given it’s first official trailer, premiering on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  The trailer, titled “Ashes to Ashes”, gives a brief glimpse of what Sera has become after the destruction of Jacinto.  Head on over to the Late Night site to take a look, and feel free to skip Fallon’s usual sub-par banter to around 2:30 for the relevant stuff.

So now I’m excited to be returning to Gears, although as Cliff points out it’s still over a year away at this point, but there’s something that’s got me even more excited in this trailer:

How fucking epic does Dom’s beard look?  He’s sporting a chin-piece that would make Grizzly Adams weep a Californian Redwood to life.  No wonder the new female soldier is helping him up, you couldn’t just leave a jaw-curtain like that to die, it would show you’d truly given up on humanity.

Damn, even Will Riker would be blushing over this baby.

Looks pretty brutal, Epic, I look forward to seeing more!  Who knows, maybe you could give Cole a Wyatt Earp…

Oh, and for anyone wondering about the song the trailer is scored to, it’s Heron Blue by Sun Kil Moon.

Kasumi, the lead character in the latest Mass Effect 2 DLC pack

Most people by now will be familiar with EA’s “Project Ten Dollar”, where DLC for games is released free to people who bought the game new but costs $10 for people who bought it second hand.  The Cerberus Network in Mass Effect 2 is one of the first implementations of the program.

So if, like most people, you’ve got your Cerberus Network membership you’ll likely be a little pissy with EA and Bioware over this DLC pack.  Y’see… it’s not free.  The Kasumi pack will cost you 560 Microsoft points if you’re an X-Box player, or 560 Bioware points if you’re a PC user.

I’m in the latter category and it proved to be a source of irritation.  This is the first time I’ve had to use Bioware points and they come in blocks.  You can’t buy less than 800 (which set me back AUD$11ish) and they’re are only good for Bioware games (unlike the 360’s Microsoft points which are good for all titles).  So I’ve got a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.  It’s not as though Bioware had to do this to fit into someone’s pre-existing system or anything – for fuck’s sake, why can’t you just let me pay you what the content is actually worth, in actual dollars, like regular civilised adults?*  It worked just fine for Mass Effect 1.

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Don't do it! Don't break my crash!

Welcome to the Australian games release list for the week beginning April 12, 2010.  This week’s list is brought to you by the good folks at Arcade Racing Physics Pty Ltd who, just like you, believe that ordinary physics is boring.  Apples falling from trees?  Not fun.  Forces being equal to mass times acceleration?  No fun.  Bouncing through a seven-car pileup, taking out a few dozen tuk tuks and then continuing on your merry way?  Lots of fun.  Oversteering through every corner?  Lots of fun.

Arcade Racing Physics.  Because Sir Isaac Newton might be the baddest summbitch in all of known space, but he sure never drove a race car.  Nor did he ever look at this week’s Australia release list, I guess.  But if he had, he’d have seen something a lot like this:

• Sam and Max: The Devil’s Playhouse (April 15, PC / PS3)
• Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell: Conviction (April 15, 360 / PC)
• Grand Theft Auto: Episodes from Liberty City (April 16, PC / PS3)

That’s right: to get released this week, it seems you had to have a colon in your title.

Also due out on April 15 is the Nintendo DSi XL.  It’s like a regular DSi but with a bigger screen, longer stylus (ooh eer missus!) and it’s available in fashionable bronze and burgundy.  And that’s your bloomin’ lot for the week!

Egad! Salamanders!

So I’ve spent the last week or so getting my snow-pirate on and testing out the new beta release of Lost Planet 2‘s multiplayer component.  The beta offers just one map for players to try out called “Turbulent Jungle”, which attempts to show off little bits and pieces of what the eventual product will offer.

To be brutally honest, it’s not looking like anything special so far.

That said, the game is of course still in beta, so it’s far too early to start heaping judgement upon it.  All I can do is tell you about my experiences so far, which haven’t exactly filled me with confidence for the final product.

Without boring you with a Lost Planet: Extreme Conditions recap, here’s just the happenings since the end of the last game: Ten years have passed and the colonisation of E.D.N.3 (or just plain old ‘Eden’ if you’re not a fan of acronyms) is essentially complete.  The desolate ice planet from the first game has been transformed into a lush jungle planet.  Players take control of a Snow Pirate, the name given to soldiers on Eden and pits them against a native race of fierce insect-like creatures called the Akrid.

The multiplayer test map, Turbulent Jungle, goes a long way to show how far E.D.N. has changed.  Rich vegetation covers the ground and water flows freely around the map.  Most buildings are covered with crawling vines and moss, showing that the terraforming has possibly exceeded it’s original expectations.  Using both this and the single-player demo as a guide, I think we can say for sure that we’re in for a visual treat when the full game arrives, as not only do the environments look fantastic, but the player models and weapon effects too.

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I like science too. Here, I made you a venn diagram that accurately represents this research's findings.

So I don’t know how many of you were checking out page 17 of yesterday’s Herald Sun, but neatly sandwiched between a story about musical instruments being refused as hand-luggage and the supposed missing link between prehistoric and modern man was an interesting little piece about how gamers are quite likely to have bad teeth.  I’ve conveniently scanned it for you, or you can peruse the online version if you’d like.

In some research undertaken by the University of Iowa that would make Captain Obvious hang his head in shame, it’s apparently been established as a solid fact that young gamers are twice as likely to suffer from tooth decay because of their “propensity to wolf down sugary snacks and drinks”.  OK.  Fine.  No argument here.  As a man in his twenties who has to drink around a litre of Coke a day just to calm the shakes, I’ll admit to the fact that I’m probably not going to be the first in line to star in a Macleans ad.

But what baffles me is this: why the fuck are video games even being mentioned in this article at all?

Let’s look at the facts.  The study focuses on adolescent children from the age of 12 to 16, presumably because this can be an important time in regards to your dental health.  According to the research, as young gamers love to eat sugary snacks (as no doubt they presumably murder people and kill hookers on screen, tut tut), their chance of suffering tooth decay is twice as high.

But wait a second?  What’s this here in the results?

The research … also found that those who had parental rules regarding screen time and diet were less likely to eat or drink while watching TV and playing games than those who did not.

Wow, you think?  Good to see someone has finally gotten onto that whole “what causes tooth decay” issue.  Sugar is bad for enamel?  Really?  Why didn’t anyone tell us this earlier?

Of course, as the story goes on to mention, they did:

The findings were backed up by the vice-president of the Australian Dental Association, Anne Stewart.

“It’s not really a surprise,” she said. “These studies are backing up what is already known about the tooth decay process and we have been telling patients for years about the snacking problem.”

And that’s where this whole thing flies apart and justifies it’s page 17 status.  It’s not a video game problem, it’s a snacking problem, and in this study it’s inexorably tied to the parents of the children in question.  If they’d bothered to simply observe normal gamers in comparison to non-gamers, then maybe we’d have some conclusive evidence here, but all this studay actually shows is that people who don’t look after their teeth will eventually get bad teeth.  I hope you didn’t overshoot the budget on that one, University of Iowa!

Honestly, gaming has only been crowbarred in here to add some sensationalism to the research, just a flavour of the month to bash alongside the rather valid claims of links with childhood obesity and somewhat more questionable claims of increased violent tendencies.  I mean if they had of just published the findings that parents who let their kids eat candy all day increase their childrens’ vulnerability to tooth decay, people would have handed them the phone and told them it was the 1940′s calling for their research back.

So frankly parents, if you make sure to instill proper eating habits and oral hygeine in your children, you’re actually free to let them play as many games as they damn well want to.  Or if you’re still fretting over the whole matter, then why not combine the two activities?

Magic made by Maya Pixelskaya

I spend an inordinate amount of time trawling the internet for nerdy things to buy or collect. So in an effort to circumvent spending all my money and to bring a little bit of link spam to Armchair Diplomat, I’ve decided to share that joy with you by way of a Geekly Roundup! To the Internet!

Hailing from Madrid, Maya Pixelskaya has made some amazing LucasArts themed paraphenalia. I found her site through her clever Day of the Tentacle tie (see left), only to find such wonders as Indiana Jones cakes, Maniac Mansion sneakers and a Loom themed Guitar Hero controller. She’s very talented and I really hope she has an auction again! Matt would kill for that guitar.

Designer Olly Moss has combined his favourite games and my favourite collectable – Penguin covers! His Video Game Covers are clever and classy. Check out his other stuff too, I have his ‘Now Panic and Freak Out’ t-shirt from Threadless.

Do you have a small child that you’re just ACHING to desensitise to violence? The Left 4 Dead mobile is for you! Made by and for sale on Etsy, the mobile includes our heroic survivors and a bullet ridden Boomer. Also for sale is a Bioshock inspired one and even a Shadow of the Colossus mobile! There’s plenty of rad non-gaming ones too.

WANT

Sticking in Etsy for the moment, feel like getting creative? There’s a Spock Monkey pattern just begging to be bought and a Squid hat that needs a head to keep it upright! Or perhaps you lack honour and facial ridges, you filthy Peta’Q.

From the world of geeky mechanical creations Jalopnik, we have Dean Storey and his street legal Battlestar Galacti-car (see right). The guy builds and does maintenance on amusement park rides, got a bit bored and decided to make the world a considerably more awesome place.

And finally, something to get you all hyped up before bedtime (just don’t tell your mother it was me!).  Anyone for some Expendables?

With The Expendables trailer now online, it’s finally happened. The end times are upon us! Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis and The Governator are in an action movie together (for what looks like maybe 10 minutes). Bringing up the rear is Jason Statham (worlds best new action star!), Jet Li (last man to kiss Aaliya on screen!), Mickey Rourke (he loves his dogs!), Dolph Lundgren (he scares me!) and Steve Austin (hey, it’s that wrestling guy!). Seriously, all this needed was Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson, but it looks rad to me. KABOOM YEAH!

Got something rad you want people to read about? Did you see something awesome lately? Are you raving lunatic? Then let me know! Hit me up on twitter (either on @ACDiplomat or to get to me directly, try @xutraa)

Bayonetta? I hardly knew her!

Bayonetta is, from my perspective, a button masher’s dream game. Just like in the old Street Fighter games of yore, if you learned 4 moves through mashing trial and error, you are set for the rest of the game. Add to that some amusingly thought up moves, gore, unlimited ammo and some decently executed quick-time events and you have me hooked.

I am not the finesse player that the guys are, sadly. As I’ve said before, I primarily like games for their storylines, not how many achievements I can get for twisting my fingers into arthritic pretzels. Over-intricate gameplay and punishing difficulty often get in the way, same with sidequests, achievements, leveling up and poor writing. Fuck that shit, man. Too hard.

Or that’s what I would be saying, if I hadn’t been converted. Sigh, I am just too easy.

Though, please don’t take that ‘easy’ comment as some kind of lead-in/segway to how trampy Bayonetta herself is, because Bayonetta, as a game and as a character, has attracted some fairly heated discussion on the nature of female protagonists and sensuality in games. Although certainly not the first over-stylised female character in gaming history (remind me to pick up Dead or Alive: Paradise when I get the chence), she has drawn the wrath of feminists, those supposedly rare, idolised ‘girl gamers’ and the politically correct. Her overtly sexual nature, the way she is presented in the game and even the dimensions of her body are apparently an affront to women everywhere.

However, my problem is that as a female, I just don’t get it. Why is she so offensive?

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The greatest Bea Arthur lover to ever wear a mask ...

For those of you that are unaware, I like comics.  There’s no shame in it.  They’re awesome.  As such, from now on, I’m going to start writing about them.  Jess and I will also be doing a regular article regarding what’s new and what’s coming up in the world of the illustrated word!

Now, for those of you who did not see the Wolverine movie of late, Deadpool is yet another of Marvel’s anti-heroes.  He was created and grew to prominence in the late 80′s/early 90′s, right when The Punisher and Wolverine were at their violent peak.  Here’s a quick breakdown:  Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth (real name Wade Wilson) is a mercenary who has received a version of Wolverine’s much vaunted healing factor.  He was given this to counter a cancer which was ripping through his body.  The problem being that the healing factor is continually recreated cells to make up for the cancerous ones that are dying off … even those in his brain.  He is insane due to his brain continually growing over itself, but in a “cracks jokes whilst disembowelling people” kind of way.  He is, arguably, the best mercenary in the world, but due to his mental state is causing more problems than he should.

Okay, so now that you’re caught up I’m going to get straight to it: Deadpool is getting the biggest push of his franchise’s career, and it’s going to destroy him. As in the early nineties with The Punisher and Silver Surfer, Marvel is giving a multitude of titles to a character that simply cannot sustain them all.  Deadpool’s resurgance is due, in no small part, to the Cable & Deadpool series which was written perfectly by Fabian Nicieza.  It was a great title that worked well.  “Then why can’t the other titles?” I hear you ask.  First off, shut up.  This is my article.  Secondly, that title worked because the writer was perfect for the character.  Whereas, as is becoming very apparent, not every writer works quite as well with Deadpool.

Suited monkey with automatic machine pistols …

At the moment Deadpool is appearing in: Deadpool, Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth and Deadpool Corps (just released). As well as that there are plans for a Deadpool Noir series, which places him in depression era. On top of all of that he is currently the cameo of choice, and is currently has a regular appearance in X-Men. It’s at this point that I tell you that I am writing not as an impartial reviewer, but as an impassioned fan: CUT DOWN HIS TITLES! As a result of his over-exposure The Punisher did not return to his former glory until the mid naughties. To be fair, I don’t feel he has returned to his glory and won’t for still some time to come. This is, without a doubt, Deadpool’s future unless something can be done.

Will Marvel heed this warning? No, they won’t. They’ll milk this puppy dry. Yeah, that’s right, they’re going to milk a PUPPY dry. How’s that for a mental image? The other problem being Deadpool will have his own movie coming out in the future, starring the perfectly cast Ryan Reynolds. Once this movie comes out, there will be a whole new group of people willing to buy whatever Deadpool’s name is attached to. Slowly, the purity will die away and we won’t see Deadpool on our shelves for a few years.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Deadpool whilst you can. The newly released Deadpool Corps does not appear to hold much potential, but Deadpool and Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth are still solid. As I say this is the first of what should be many articles in regards to the world of comicdom. Until next time gentle readers … DC SUCKS!

This was the guy whose opinion was so valued that they were trying to buy him off?

I just read an article about the gaming industry buying off video game reviewers in exchange for favourable reviews.  How long has this been going on!?  Was I in the crapper when this became an option?  First off, I think we need to take into account where the reviewer in question worked: Zoo Magazine.  Now, I’m not ashamed to say, I’ve purchased this publication in the past.  I’ve thumbed through it and, most shockingly of all, read all the articles.  There is, however, one thing that I never did: take any of the reviews seriously.  The movie reviews were angled towards boobs and explosions, and it was a similar affair for their game reviews.  I can remember them giving the most recent Leisure Suit Larry 5 stars.  That was a sad day.  Honestly, if you’re dumb enough to follow the review in Zoo you deserve a crap game.

Now, the article goes on to say that there have been incidents in the past of video games buying advertising to help their pressure with that specific site or magazine.  Is anybody really going to take a 5 star review of The Ashes Cricket 2009 seriously, when there’s a giant banner with Ricky Ponting swinging his bat right next to it?

Here I am then, putting my name on the selling block.  I’ll say Heavy Rain has replay value!  I’ll say that the add-ons to Borderlands for the most part haven’t been pointless!  I can even do music: St Anger is the best Metallica album!  Watch as my word becomes tainted and people form their own opinions.

At the end of the day, what does this whole “cash for comments” event really change?  Nothing is the answer.  This is the one industry where the reviewers are more or less a guiding tool.  Yes, you occasionally come across sites that have impeccable standards, but they are few and far between.  The buzz created by games and the splash the game makes in the first day or two of sales is what will ultimately dictate the game.

So here’s a flip of the bird to the game industry for trying to take more money after creating ET on Atari.  In my opinion, they still owe us.