Seven great quotes from E3 2010

Written on June 19, 2010 by

So like all good games writers stuck at home this E3, I’ve been keeping my depression at bay by following the broadcasts of the major industry press conferences. 3D is once again under the spotlight, and the seemingly desperate race to catch up with motion control has come to a head with the release dates for both Kinect and Move slated this year.

But it hasn’t been all sunshine and flowers, with serious concerns arising about exactly who the big companies are looking to market themselves to. So I’ve selected a few memorable quotes from most of the major presentations that I thought summed up the entire event:

Coming soon: Kinect Corridors. You can go ANYWHERE.

Wow, look at the water! We can go anywhere!

-Shannon and Abigail demonstrating Kinect Adventures, Microsoft Xbox Conference

Two women jump and sway to steer a two-man raft down a river-rapids level, and this was the wittiest banter they could come up with? While I understand that the people on stage must be under tremendous pressure to make sure a product looks fun and technically proficient, this line was obviously supposed to reinforce what Microsoft had written as part of their Kinect press release.

The statement “we can go anywhere” especially smacks of PR, as every gamer knows that a game’s world is only as big as it’s designers make it. You can go anywhere you like in Grand Theft Auto IV too … provided it’s not inside most buildings or underwater.

Oh … uh, alright … it’s attractive people running around … fighting each other

-Joel McHale, upon the introduction of Battle Tag during Ubisoft’s conference

Although some of their offerings weren’t particularly inspiring, I thought Joel McHale did a decent job of walking the line between quality pitch and typical gamer sarcasm, and this was the cherry on the cake. Switching your pitch up (prior to smacking you bitch up, of course) is a good way to keep your audience focused, but I’ve yet to see an “unscripted” interruptions that seemed convincing. Joel McHale hit the nail on the head with this line, acknowledging a live demonstration yet making light of it’s obvious scripted nature. Now if they’d only kept him on stage to save the presentation grinding to a halt with Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot.

PS Move: It's got important features ... like buttons

So am I crazy, or did I just see a hundred French acrobats prancing around an arena the other night?

-Kevin Butler, taking the stage during Sony’s conference

So sure, Kevin Butler is only a character cooked up to sell Playstation products, and probably embodies fanboy trolling at it’s best, but it’s fair to say that his writers have the perfect pitch on how gamers think. He’s also the ideal way for Sony to continue their long running rivalry with Microsoft, as a fictional character can be forgiven for saying things actual people can’t. Witnessing Microsoft’s failure to impress at their conference, Sony obviously considered it the perfect time to dig the boot in and it certainly paid off with the audience.  Butler wasn’t the only one slinging mud either, Sony President Jack Tretton also kicked off the whole event by poking fun at Microsoft’s elaborate Cirque de Soliel event, promising their was “no need for ponchos” at their conference.

*pause for applause before awkwardly moving on*

-Most of the key speakers during Microsoft’s presentation

Momentum was at dangerously low levels during Microsoft’s press conference, and it showed on almost all the major speakers. Kudo Tsunoda, Dan Greenawalt and Phil Spencer were all having trouble getting the crowd on their side when it came to announcements, and as more and more of Kinect’s games were unveiled the audience enthusiasm steadily waned. This made the speakers even more awkward, as point where they’d presumably expected thunderous applause were met with a smattering of claps. Even when Don Mattrick announced they were giving a free Xbox 360 S to everyone in the audience the applause seemed somehow short, leaving the poor guy to stand there in an “wow, is that all?” gap.

It’s very simple: You do cool shit, so you can unlock more cool shit, so you can do even more cool shit.

-Epic Games’ Tanya Jessen, pitching Bulletstorm at the EA presentation

Then if you take that cool shit and apply it to some other cool shit you can create a working replica of some cool shit you saw earlier in the game.  Recapturing that cool shit will give you the opportunity to test your knowledge of cool shit in a multiplayer “cool shit standoff”.  And how cool will that shit be? Ice cold.

I suppose you’ve at least got to give Tanya Jessen props for speaking to the majority of gamers on their own level.

Problem, GLaDOS?

Hi, my name’s Gabe Newell and I work at Valve. I’ve been pretty outspoken in my comments about the current generation of games consoles.

-Gabe Newell announces Portal 2 for PS3, and all is instantly forgiven

In the past, the all-powerful head of Valve has said many things about the PS3, declaring that the Sony team didn’t spend “nearly enough time talking to developers when they were developing” and at one point calling the whole system as “a waste of everybody’s time”.  Gabe’s a big guy in the PC world (if you’ll excuse the pun), and those comments have gone on to feature in countless fanboy flamewars ever since Gabe made them.  Probably the last thing on everyone’s mind when Valve announced a surprise for E3 would have been his speaking at the Sony conference, and yet with a joke and a laugh he managed to set an entire fanbase at ease.  Thanking everyone for not repeatedly punching him in the face probably helped too.

Of course, keeping popular franchises fresh calls for a lot of imagination inside Nintendo as well

-Reggie Fils-Aime, revealing Kirby’s Epic Yarn during Nintendo’s press conference

I’d say “a lot” would be critically underestimating the level required, considering the titles Nintendo announced at their conference this year.  Let’s see, there was GoldenEye 007, Zelda: Skyward Sword, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Golden Sun: Dark Dawn, Kid Icarus: Uprising to name just a few, all based on Nintendo’s existing IPs.  And if you don’t believe that are Nintendo aren’t just picking names via office dartboard, then you have to admit that it takes a great deal of imagination not to have every gamer screaming “REEEHASH” at the top of their lungs.  Which, if you watch the footage, surprisingly few people do, so you know Nintendo must be doing something right.

These were just my highlights, but there’s plenty more of that E3 pressure pitch magic online if you’re happy to do a little YouTube digging.  If you find any extra pearls, feel free to drop them in the comments field for everyone to enjoy!

So like all good games writers stuck at home this E3, I’ve been keeping my depression at bay by following the broadcasts of the major industry press conferences.  3D is once again under the spotlight, and the seemingly desperate race to catch up with motion control has come to a head with the release dates for both Kinect and Move slated this year.
But it hasn’t been all sunshine and flowers, with serious concerns arising about exactly who the big companies are looking to market themselves to.  So I’ve selected a few quotes from most of the major presentations so far that I thought summed up the entire event.
“Wow, look at the water! We can go anywhere!”
-Players demonstrating Kinect Adventures, Microsoft Xbox Conference
Two women jump and sway to steer a two-man raft down a river-rapids level, and this was the wittiest banter they could come up with?  While I understand that the people on stage must be under tremendous pressure to make sure a product looks fun and technically proficient, this line was obviously supposed to reinforce what Microsoft had written as part of their Kinect press release.  The statement “we can go anywhere” especially smacks of PR, as every gamer knows that a game’s world is only as big as it’s designers make it.  You can go anywhere you like in Grand Theft Auto IV too … provided it’s not inside most buildings or underwater.
“Oh no, attractive people with guns are ruining my speech!”
- x, upon the introduction of TAG GAME?, Ubisoft Conference
Although some of their offerings weren’t particularly inspiring, I thought THAT GUY did a decent job of walking the line between quality pitch and typical gamer sarcasm, and this was the cherry on the cake.  Switching your pitch up (prior to smacking you bitch up, of course) is a good way to keep your audience focused, but I’ve yet to see an “unscripted” interruptions that seemed convincing.  THAT GUY hit the nail on the head with this line, acknowledging a live demonstration yet pointing out it’s obvious scripted nature.  Now if they’d only kept him on stage to save the presentation grinding to a halt with Ubisoft CEO THE OTHER GUY.
“It has these things called buttons which, as it turns out, are kind of important”
-Kevin Butler, talking about Move during Sony’s Conference
So sure, Kevin Butler is only a character cooked up to sell Playstation products, but it’s fair to say that his writers have the perfect pitch on how gamers think.  He’s also the ideal way for Sony to continue their long running rivalry with Microsoft, as a fictional character can be forgiven for saying things actual people can’t.  Witnessing Microsoft’s failure to impress at their conference, Sony obviously considered it the perfect time to dig the boot in and it certainly paid off with the audience.  Butler wasn’t the only one slinging mud either, FIRST SPEAKER kicked off the whole event by poking fun at Microsoft’s elaborate Cirque de Soliel event, promising their was “no need for ponchos” at their conference.
“*pause for applause before awkwardly moving on*”
-Most of the key speakers during Microsoft’s presentation
Momentum was at dangerously low levels during Microsoft’s press conference, and it showed on almost all the major speakers.  NAME, NAME and NAME were all having trouble getting the crowd on their side when it came to announcements, and as more and more of Kinect’s games were unveiled the audience enthusiasm steadily waned.  This made the speakers even more awkward, as point where they’d presumably expected thunderous applause were met with a smattering of claps.  Even when NAME announced they were giving a free Xbox 360 S to everyone in the audience the applause seemed somehow short, leaving the poor guy to stand there in a “is that all?” gap.
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