This week’s new release list is brought to you by the Christmas spirit.  Want some?  ‘Course you do!

This is going to be the shortest release post ever because as far as we can tell nobody’s got anything slated for release this week in Australia.  Must be that public holiday that’s coming up interfering with the schedule or something.  So you’ll all have to console yourselves with old games until the new year when I’m sure somebody will release something.

A merry Christmas to all our readers from the entire staff here at Armchair, we’ll probably be too stuffed full of food to post anything over the break, but we’ll be sure to take a look at that mountain of back-log and see if we can have some new stuff ready for you in the new year.  We will be posting up our Game Of The Year nominations before the end of the month, so be sure to check back in and see what our diverse-taste staff picked as their favourite!

I'm looking forward to Patapon 3, Alot!

This week’s new releases are brought to you by that most mythical of beasts – the Alot, a perfect pet for grammar nazis and people who never graduated the second grade alike.

When you’ve finished working out whether or not you like this Alot more, you could mosey on down to your local games store where the following games should be appearing on the shelves this week:

• Dodge Racing: Charger v Challenger (December 16, Wii)
• Speed (December 16, Wii)
• Nickelodeon Fit (December 17, Wii)
• Patapon 3 (December 17, PSP)
• Tangled (December 17, DS)
• Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Vietnam (December 19, PC)

Tetris art courtesy of Naolito.com

This week’s Australian new release list is brought to you by the public’s fascination with magic falling blocks.  To this day scientists are still unable to explain the why but the what has been abundantly clear for decades: put a human being in front of a screen with falling blocks on it and they’ll be mesmerised by that shit.

Secret diplomatic cables* received by Armchair Diplomat this week reveal that several countries are even looking to harness the effect for military purposes.  “We’re probably about two or three years away from being able to drop a giant projector screen into a warzone and stop the enemy in their tracks by showing footage of falling blocks,” said one general who we can’t name because we value our bollocks in their current locations.  “The sticking point has been trying to immunise our own troops against the effects – it’s no good reducing your enemy to a bunch of drooling halfwits if your own troops are left in a similar state.”

Early attempts at developing an immunisation have been deemed failures.  While they were successful in rendering immunity to the falling block mesmerisation effect, word got out that the trial group also stopped seeing the “funny” side of Two and a Half Men and since then no soldier has been willing to take the drug.

If you’re not mesmerised by falling blocks yourself, you might want to try one of the following games that are due in stores this week:

• World of Warcraft: Cataclysm (December 7, PC)
• Bejeweled 3 (December 8, PC)
• Game Party In Motion (December 8, 360)
• Cabela Big Game Hunter (December 10, Wii)
• Def Jam Rapstar (December 10, 360 / PS3 / Wii)
• Goldeneye: 007 (December 10, Wii)
• Hide and Secret Trilogy (December 10, PC)
• Nickelodeon Fit (December 10, Wii)
• Pac Man World 3 (December 10, DS)
• PDC World Championship Darts (December 10, 360 / PS3 / Wii)

* Resemblance to actual cables written by an actual government may vary

Team Gaming Journalists Have Incompetent Hairlips

This week’s update will be our final one for the month of Movember.  That’s right, the end is almost nigh for our epic fundraising and awareness raising journey.  Gaming Journalists Have Incompetent Hairlips have raised $715 at the time of writing and with just one day to go there’s still a little time to help us get that total higher.

All funds raised go to a very good cause.  The Prostate Cancer Foundation of Australia and Beyondblue, the national depression initiative, both put the money to very good use.  You can donate to the team, donate to Matt or donate directly to me.  Thanks and much respect to those who have already donated – you’ve done a very good thing.

Since technically this is still supposed to be a gaming site, here’s some gaming content.  The following games are due in stores this week:

• Nail’d (Movember 30, PC)
• Death Spank: Thongs of Virtue (Movember 30, PC / Mac)
• Super Meat Boy (Movember 30, PC)
• Swords and Soldiers (December 1, PC / Mac)
• Buzz! Ultimate Music Quiz (December 2, PSP)
• Donkey Kong Country Returns (December 2, Wii)
• Pac Man Party (December 2, Wii)
• Rune Factory 3: A Harvest Moon (December 2, DS)
• Splatterhouse (December 2, 360 / PS3)
• Sports Island Freedom (December 2, 360)
• Sly Cooper Collection (December 2, PS3)
• Zumba Fitness (December 2, 360)
• Blazing Souls: Accelerate (December 3, PSP)
• Dance Dance Revolution (December 3, PS3)
• Karaoke Revolution: Glee (December 3, Wii)
• Knights in the Nightmare (December 3, PSP)
• Mario vs Donkey Kong: Mini-Land Mayhem (December 3, DS)
• NBA Jam (December 3, 360 / PS3)
• Prince of Persia Trilogy (December 3, PS3)

This week’s Australian releases are brought to you by the ongoing struggle between Canada and Australia in the Movember fundraising stakes.

Australians responded well to our call to action last week, donating about $3.5 million in the past week to take our national total to $10,714,292 at the time of writing.  These Roughriders aren’t to be underestimated though – Canadians donated almost as much as Australians this week, taking their total to $12,044,788 at the time of writing.  Australia has closed the gap by almost $40,000 from last week but we’ve still got a ways to go.

It’s also been a good week for our team, Gaming Journalists Have Incompetent Hairlips, as we’ve passed the $500 mark.  Yay us!  If you want to aid in our quest for glory you can donate to me, donate to Matt or donate to the team as a whole if you’re crippled by indecision and love us all equally.

All the money goes to a truly excellent cause – supporting men’s health in areas such as prostate cancer and depression.

If you can find time away from watching the Movember fundraising race you might want to play some games.  The following titles are due on Australian shelves (real, virtual or otherwise) this week:

• Poker Night at the Inventory (Movember 22, PC – FINALLY.  Review soon)
• Crossboard 7 (Movember 25, 360)
• CSI: Fatal Conspiracy (Movember 25, 360 / PC / PS3 / Wii)
• Dance Evolution (Movember 25, 360)
• Doctor Who: Evacuation Earth (Movember 25, DS)
• Doctor Who: Return to Earth (Movember 25, Wii)
• Epic Mickey (Movember 25, Wii)
• Gran Turismo 5 (Movember 25, PS3)
• Majin and the Forsaken Kingdom (Movember 25, 360 / PS3)
• Michael Jackson: The Experience (Movember 25, DS / PSP / Wii)
• Valhalla Knights: Eldar Saga (Movember 25, Wii)
• Football Manager 2011 (Movember 26, PSP)
• Megamind: Mega Team Unite (Movember 26, Wii)
• Megamind: The Defender (Movember 26, DS / PSP)
• Megamind: Ultimate Showdown (Movember 26, 360 / PS3)
• MX vs ATV Reflex (Movember 26, PC)
• Penguins of Madagascar (Movember 26, DS)
• Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare (Movember 26, 360 / PS3)
• Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon (Movember 26, Wii)
• Tron Evolution (Movember 26, 360 / DS / PS3 / Wii)

This week’s award for game least likely to actually be epic goes to Epic Mickey, by the way.  See y’all next week when I’ll be just about ready to shave this moustache off and leave upper lip hair to the everyday heroes like Matt.  Ciao!

It's alive this week!

This week’s Australian new releases list is brought to you by the number 1,368,926.

Why a million and a third and a bit, you ask?  It’s because that’s how far Australia is behind Canada in the Movember fundraising stakes.  In just two weeks 119,947 Australian mo-bros and mo-sistas have raised $7,267,467.  13,000 fewer Canadians have managed to raise $8,636,393 though.

It doesn’t take a genius to recognise that’s a shitload of money that’s being put towards a very good cause, supporting men’s health issues such as prostate cancer and depression.  But nobody said we couldn’t play for bragging rights as well as a good cause, right?  Australia is in second place right now, a few million ahead of the UK and there’s daylight back to the USA, Ireland and New Zealand.

There’s still a good few weeks left in Movember and with your help Australia could still claim the top spot.  You can get the dual fuzzy feelings of charity and patriotism.  You can donate to Matt, you can donate to me or you can donate direct to our team of crack gaming journalists if you don’t want to play favourites.  Or you could donate to someone else, I guess.  Just remember, our nation’s pride is at stake!

When you’ve done that I guess it’d be OK for you to go to a games store and pick up one of the following titles that should be arriving this week:

• Sesame Street: Cookie’s Counting Carnival (Movember 17, DS / PC / Wii)
• Sesame Street: Elmo’s A to Zoo Adventure (Movember 17, DS / PC / Wii)
• Adrenalin Misfits (Movember 18, 360)
• Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood (Movember 18, 360 / PS / PS3)
• Beyblade Metal Fight (Movember 18, DS)
• Biggest Loser Challenge (Movember 18, Wii)
• Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout (Movember 18, 360)
• Brunswick Pro Bowling (Movember 18, 360)
• Dance Central, Dance Masters, Dance Paradise (Movember 18, 360)
• Deadliest Catch: Sea of Chaos (Movember 18, PS3)
• Disney All Star Party Games (Movember 18, Wii)
• EA Sports Active 2.0 (Movember 18, 360 / PS3 / Wii)
• Fighters Uncaged (Movember 18, 360)
• Get Fit With Mel B (Movember 18, PS3)
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Movember 18, 360 / DS / PC / PS3 / Wii)
• Kinectimals, Kinect Sports, Kinect Joy Ride (Movember 18, 360)
• Motion Sports (Movember 18, 360)
• Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit (Movember 18, 360 / PC / PS3 / Wii)
• Sonic Free Riders (Movember 18, 360)
• We Sing: Robbie Williams (Movember 18, Wii)
• Your Shape: Fitness Evolved (Movember 18, 360)
• Dora’s Birthday Adventure (Movember 19, DS / Wii)
• Go Diego’s Build and Rescue (Movember 19, DS)
• Ys – The Oath in Felghana (Movember 19, PSP)

Holy long lists Batman!  As you might have gathered from the veritable landslide of casual/fitness titles the Kinect is also due to land in Australian stores on the 18th and a good chunk of the Xbox 360 titles on this list are Kinect-only.  Play safe kids!

Bearded Black Mage courtesy of vanjamrgan.blogspot.com

This week’s Australian new release list is brought to you by the pathetic excuses for moustaches that Matt and I are now sporting.

That’s right – we look like we flunked out of Facial Hair High School but it’s all for a good cause.  We’re raising funds and awareness to support men’s health because, as we discussed last week, men are a bit crap when it comes to things like going to the doctor to get things checked out.  Apparently a lot of us are scared of a hospital visit or are just a bit too embarrassed to talk about our health problems with qualified medical professionals… which seems a little silly and trivial when you consider the risks we face by ignoring problems like prostate cancer, depression and heart disease.

So far our team of intrepid gaming journalists has raised $180 in support of the cause.  Track the progress Matt and I are making on our personal pages or donate to our team, Gaming Journalists Have Incompetent Hairlips.  Don’t forget that pity for our sad, laughable facial hair growing efforts is a perfectly valid motivation for donating.

As an afterthought to this rant, the following titles are due in Australian stores this week:

• Call of Duty: Black Ops (Movember 9, 360 / DS / PC / PS3 / Wii)
• Time Crisis Razing Storm (Movember 9, PS3)
• Fist of the Northstar (Movember 11, 360 / PS3)
• Monopoly Streets (Movember 11, 360)
• Move the Fight (Movember 11, PS3)
• Sonic Colours (Movember 11, DS / Wii)
• The Sims 3 (Movember 11, Wii)
• Tom Clancy’s HAWX 2 (Movember 11, PC / Wii)

Of course, we stress that the above are Australian release dates and therefore vague as all get-out and subject to error margins of up to six months or more.  Call of Duty: Black Ops receives this week’s “This is the game we’re most confident is actually going to be on shelves” award though.

Also, for those eagerly awaiting its release, Telltale are now confirming that Poker Night at the Inventory will be released some time in November.  Dunno about you guys but I’m warming up my ICM calculator in anticipation …

Bearded Ro-bro Cop courtesy of vanjamrgan.blogspot.com

This week’s new releases are brought to you by the naked chins Matt and I are sporting.

That’s right, it’s the first of Movember and we’re on an epic quest to raise money for men’s health, which we’re going to do by growing terrible facial hair.  Men in Australia have a lower life expectancy than women (78, vs 83 for women), one in eight of us will experience depression in our lifetime and more than 3300 men will die of prostate cancer in 2010 alone.  Men suffer higher death rates than women across all of the 10 leading causes of death in Australia and the worst part is that lack of awareness is one of the biggest factors.  When it comes down to it, we suck at going to our doctors for help.

Which is why* Matt and I, along with a team of intrepid gaming journalists from publications like PC Powerplay, Critical Damage and Hyper are growing moustaches for men’s health this month.  We’ve shaved off our usual facial hair (to my wife’s dismay) and we’re inviting you all to follow our progress, laugh and cry with us and, most importantly donate and raise awareness about men’s health issues.  Money raised goes to the Movember Foundation.

You can donate to our team, Game Journalists Have Incompetent Hairlips, or if you just despise the idea of people working as a team, you can also donate straight to myself or Matt.

Of course if you’d rather spend money on games instead of donating to this incredibly worthy cause this week, you might find the following titles on a shelf near you:

• Goldeneye 007 (Movember 3, Wii)
• James Bond 007: Blood Stone (Movember 3, 360 / PC / PS3)
• Battle Chess (Movember 4, DS / PSP / Wii)
• Dragon Ball Raging Blast 2 (Movember 3, 360 / PS3)

* Y’all thought it was because our wives wouldn’t let us grow moustaches without an excuse, right?

"I don't need to be on multiple platforms! I'm RICH, BIATCH!"

This week’s new releases list is brought to you by Acme Co Crystal Balls.  Acme Co Crystal Balls can be used to accurately predict anything* that’s going to happen in the future.  Want to know if the UIEGA will be repealed?  Want to know if Poker Night at the Inventory will ever be released?  Consult a crystal ball.  Want to know if Richmond will win the AFL premiership next season?  Consult a crystal ball.  Actually… you probably don’t need the ball for that last one**.

Still.  Crystal balls.  They’re handy to have – just don’t go communing with evil lords kids, because no matter what they say they don’t share power.

We’ve consulted our crystal ball, as well of a range of other sources, to bring you this list of titles that, on balance, in the fullness of time, will probably be on a game store shelf near you this week:

• Fable III (October 26, 360 / PC)
• Rock Band 3 (some time this week, probably, 360 / PS3 / Wii)
• Shank (October 26, PC)
• Deathspank (October 26, PC)
• Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II (October 27, 360 / PS3)
• The Ball (October 27, PC)
• BlazBlue: Continuum Shift (October 28, maybe, PS3)
• Bloody Good Time (October 28, PC)

Fable III takes this week’s “Dear gawd I hope they spent some money on the endgame this time around” Award, while Deathspank takes the prize for longest inexplicable between-platform release gap.  Happy gaming and see you all next week.

* Except the accurate release dates of video games in Australia which, if we’re honest, nobody has any clue about.  But it’s OK because y’all only read these articles for the jokes, right?

** Because it’s a lock, amirite?

YEAH, WOO, ROCKIN' OUT!

This week’s new release list is brought to you by the new LOL SuckIt! range of five-sided coins, being released this week to coincide with the launch of Rock Band 3.

The coins have been specially minted in anticipation of a dilemma they think many gamers will face when playing a group session of Rock Band 3 – who has to be the fucking keyboard player.  Even gamers know that when it comes to having a cool instrument, keyboard players rate somewhere between bassists and the clarinet player.  Yes, it really is that bad.  Here’s some other fun facts about keyboard players that you might not have already known:

• Keyboard players get 92.7% less groupies than players of any other instrument.  Only wobble board players rate lower.
• If a keyboard player solos in the woods and nobody hears it, everybody’s happier.
• A keyboard player can spend his entire life practicing to be better than Jordan Rudess, achieve his goal and still be a loser.  True story bro.
• The original title of “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys” was “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Keyboard Players”.

So with all this in mind, LOL SuckIt! have released their five-sided coin to fairly and equitably settle all keyboard-player-related disputes.  Play fair y’all!

Rock Band 3 isn’t the only biggish title due out this week, by the way.  Here’s what you can expect to see on shelves:

• DJ Hero 2 (October 20, 360)
• Fallout: New Vegas (October 21, 360 / PC / PS3)
• Professor Layton and the Lost Future (October 21, DS)
• Rock Band 3 (October 28, 360 / PS3 / Wii)
• Vanquish (October 21, 360 / PS3)