I’m a little bit excited. Found via Live For Films (and under discussion by every single gaming and film nerd in the world today) this Mortal Kombat short teaser was apparently directed by Kevin Tancharoen.  Let’s just say it’s a long way from his 2009 version of Fame.

There isn’t a lot of info available, the best source being straight from Jeri Ryan, the ex-Star Trek: Voyager actress who plays Sonya Blade.  She twittered this today:

“Okay, so…Mortal Kombat. It’s not a game trailer. Actually was made for the director to sell WB on his vision for a reimagined MK film. More MK FAQs: I did it as a favor to a friend. No idea yet what WB’s reaction to it was. And I’m not sure how you can contact WB…to push them to make it. But you guys are resourceful…! ”

Girls just wanna have fu-uuun, whoa girls just wanna have fuuuun

This update, I figured it was as good a time as any to do some shopping and let’s face it, the last few roundups have been all about the testosterone. GEEZ. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother pretending I’m a girl on the internet if I’m not going to back it up with HOT, PINK, FACTS.

I trawled through Etsy the other day and found some awesome things! Also, not so awesome things! Can you imagine the rictus grin I have on my face right now? It’s pretty awesome.

(If you’re not interested in the FACTS, I suggest you go play this fucking rad Zelda-as-FPS game. It will make your balls drop, your hair thicker and might just push you out of a moving car while doing a noodley air-guitar solo to the Best of Boston)

FACT: Girls Have Boobs

Pixelparty has quite the cache of pixelated products. I especially like the ‘High Score’ badge. Some would say it’s a gaming reference, others would allude to the idea that having sex with the wearer is akin to taking drugs, but I say it’s a great way of getting people to look at your boobs. Another cute way to draw attention to your decolletage is  is with one of these necklaces. (I actually do want the Geek one). They’re made from laser cut acrylic and well, who doesn’t like lasers? Losers, that’s who.

FACT: Girls Ruin Everything

What’s more boss than Chewbacca? Well, not much. The guy can tear the ears of a gundark. You know what can completely emasculate that towering example manliness? Featuring his hairy mug on a dainty plate! Surrounded by flowers, scalloped edges and hung on your wall next to that lovely wedding photo of your parents, Chewie is a wonderful addition to any home. There’s probably a fairly rock and roll tea cosy to go with it.

FACT: Girls Like Cute Things

Borderlands showed us that mutant dogthings could take you down when you weren’t looking. Those little bastards. But why hold that against them when they’re SO. DAMN. CUUUUUTE? Look at those little teeth! That sweet little multi-hinged jaws! I just want to cuddle the shit out of him! Ohh, and look at his little friend, homicidal, maniacal Purple Tentacle! It’s almost as if he wants you to squish him into oblivion.

FACT: Girls Like Jewellry

I didn’t play Heavy Rain, because I couldn’t identify with any of the characters! I really wanted there to be a hard working, hot but covering-it-up-behind-glasses grrrl, who solves crime while getting a sexy killer to change his ways and fall in love with her. Instead, we got Depressed Guy, Boring Girl and Fat Guy. The origami was pretty though. Now, you too can show your support for the sick kidnapping and eventual drowning murder of young boys with these delightful Origami Killer Earrings! It’ll go nicely with your beard, serial killer van and flasher jacket.

FACT: Star Wars Is Awesome

(I would like to add that I think everything I linked to is boneshakingly awesome. I would welcome any of that stuff as a present! Except perhaps the beard, truck and jacket combo.)

Ahh, John Hillcoat. One of my very favourite directors. You know what he’s done? He’s gone and made a 30 minute movie out of Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption. Using in-game mechanics (don’t cringe!), Hillcoat has created what looks like a condensation of the narrative of RDR.

It’s showing at midnight on Fox (I’m assuming in the US), with there being hopes that Rockstar will put it online shortly after.

Here’s the trailer. I’m mildly interested at how the King Of Bleak Surrounds* works in a hypercoloured frontier world.

You can't look at this poster and not make chunky pants gravy

KABOOM YEAH, that picture just strikes awesome into every heart everywhere. Hollywood (or Bollywood…or Uwe Boll’he would) needs to make that damn movie. Dinosaurs and the Taliban? Nearly naked ladies? Men with BEARDS?  So true to life, so topical.

Speaking of epic, someone out there has made a Mega Man fan film. I’ve only watched the trailer and the first 20 mins or so of the actual film, but sweet Lords of Kobol, it’s impressive. The bots, the effects…it’s a great example of a huge pool of talent out there in the world that are ready to kill, usurp and replace the people currently working in the movie industry. It’ll be like some kind of World War, but in teal and orange tones. (Once you know this, you can’t ever unknow it!)

The guy who tipped me off about the Mega Man movie has quite the skill set himself! Michael Wszelaki (or @UnearthlyMike to his twitter friends) does animation, graphics and a whole heap of comics. He’s also made a game called Ultimate X, based on comics forum nerds. I highly recommend having a play (I did, during bouts of Robot Unicorn Attack). Double plus fun!

It seems boffins around the world have been getting clever again, much to my happiness. Some guy made a ‘workable’ BatPod and tried to sell it on eBay, reports NerdApproved. Sadly/safely/amusingly, it was sold without a chain because you would fucking die in a heroic and horrific manner if you even attempted to ride it. Turns out, you need to be a fictional character to control that bad boy.

The frame and all tubing were built from hardened steel and welded together for an unbelievable rendition of this famous vehicle. The covers and arm guards, which are formed with high tensile strength fiberglass, hide the actual engine which is a high output 650cc 4 stroke, water cooled engine with direct port nitrous injection delivering amazing power in a compact shell if it were ever needed. The front and rear tires measure 508 millimeters across and it is outfitted with grappling hooks, grenade launchers, and 50 caliber machine guns for those traffic jams on the freeway. (No… they don’t really work.) The pod has never been ridden on the street but has been tested in a controlled environment. This one-off custom would be the perfect addition for the collector who has it all, or for a museum piece that will draw a crowd like nothing else.

So will your fiery death! I’d buy a ticket to that for a dollar.

Bonus Round: The Parents I Wish I Had talk about ‘Meet The Rikers’ amongst other things.

I think she once brutalised a cauliflower too ...

New from those serious-business-types at PETA, rather than those anti-vegan, discriminating Majesco bastards, comes Cooking Mama: Mama Kills Animals!

This parody game was made by PETA in response to the lack of a full vegan version of Cooking Mama. After playing the game – which includes enough blood to make it a dubious contender for MA15+ – the site gives you the opportunity to petition Majesco to create a vegan only game, saying ‘Mama’ herself would be saddened by where her meat comes from.

She looks innocent enough—a happy woman who has a twinkle in her eye and loves to cook—but if you take just a minute to think about what happens to the animals who are killed for Mama’s meals, a fun cooking game no longer seems quite so innocent.

The game centers on the plucking, gutting and stuffing of a turkey for Thanksgiving. I don’t celebrate the holiday, not being a North American, but holy shit it sounds like fun! You get to cut the neck off! Pull out guts! Mix them around in a bowl with what looks like acid! What’s not to like? Oh. Right. All of this is bad for the turkey.

For some reason, you also crack open eggs full of blood into a bowl. I’m sorry? Last time I cracked open an unfertilised egg, blood didn’t come out of them. In fact, the last time I had the misfortune of cracking open a cold, dead, fertilised egg, there weren’t any splatters or blood either.

Have a play of this amusingly bloody game. If you really want to support PETA, or pledge to become vegan, then there are links on the page. You can also sign the petition. I hear for every petition signed, you save one blood filled egg from being cracked into a bowl, saving at least $7 in bleach alone to get the stains out of your clothes.

I just shat bricks

Dear, sweet, merciful heaven … just look at it, will you? Can you imagine? I would have permanently moved into that thing.

What ho, what news in the webosphere? Well, nothing current really, but damn there is some cool stuff out there.

Did anyone else see this? Toni Westbrook, a computer science wunderkind, created a Guitar Hero-style game you can play on the Commodore64. It’s called Shredz64, it’s completely workable and downloadable now. Watch the video!

Fascinating, to me anyhow, the amazing abilities people have in converting old tech into future compatible examples of the homemade aesthetic. Did I just have a little bit of a techwank there? I did. Why? Because dammit, in 10 years this will be a kind of fun, standard weekend project for kids. They’ll be rebuilding a SNES from Lego in their room instead of whinging about they’re not allowed to have a PS12. Well, the smart kids anyway. Dumb kids like me will still be running around the backyard, yelling ‘PEWPEWPEW, I’m a Jedi!’ and not realising that Jedi’s didn’t have guns so the whole ‘pewpew’ nonsense is redundant and non-canon. Dude, seriously.

Another smartpants graduate is Mike Davenport, who’s senior project was an 8-bit guitar. I would love to start a band with that thing. I hope he does, actually. He’s put up the ‘gory details’ of construction, but as a summary – it’s a fulling working instrument, made out of an arcade-style button system. It sounds awesome. Check it out!

Continuing our 8-bit theme that I just decided on, a game that Matt and I attempted to play last week is Sleep Is Death. From what I can tell, after downloading, you join up to a server with friends and create a story as you play. One person is the controller, who creates the situations your character relates to. Everyone else is a character. You get 30 second turns to speak, move or run away. It’s a bit … confusing at first, but the more time you spend on it, the more compelling it becomes. And the pretty little 8-bit characters and screens make it wonderfully nostalgic. If you want to play with me, let me know, I’m interested to give other peoples’ situations a try. I recommend it for those of you with a sociopathic tendency to set fire to nuns, definitely. Or those of you who like making dogs talk in haiku. Also, read the instructions. That helps.

Need a website to drain your time faster that that cuteboyswithcats tumblr? Try How I Met Your Motherboard. It doesn’t have Barney Stinson in it, but it does have really lovely stories about first time, we-be-getting-down computer action (with a robotic satisfaction). I was enchanted. It made me want to write about how my siblings and I almost came to blows over Majora’s Mask.

Oh shit, now I have that retarded ‘ENCHANTMENTS’ character from Dragon Age in my head. To purge that, let’s go drool at this recipe for homemade Poptarts. Sweet, sweet food, eases the pain.

Alright, computer, load up ‘Celery Man’ please …

By the end of this, I will be a Wizard of VG Movies. Someone 'shoop me into this!

For those of you not intimately hooked in to my personal life via Twitter, I am now (f)unemployed. This gives the magical commodity of TIME and so I’m going to sacrifice some of it to one of the ultimate wasters: watching videos and DVDs.

I’m a big fan of comic-to-movie adaptations, but game-to-movie? It’s a dicey area. Who can forget the horror of Double Dragon? The bizarreness of Super Mario Bros? The balls-out hilarity of Mortal Kombat? I can’t, that’s for sure. That shit is burnt into my retina.

And now, it’s time to remind everyone about these mutated cinema masterpieces. Are you excited? I KNOW I AM, DAMMIT. I’m ready to be subjected to Uwe Boll-esque flights of phantasmagorical filming fuckups!

I promise to you that I will not shirk from my duty. I will watch every second of each “film” and faithfully record for you my thoughts. I will find a clip of said movie, if possible, and share with you the joys and ploys of the acting. We will go on adventures together! We’ll also probably throw up, scream and console ourselves with alcohol together. Swings and roundabouts.

(more…)

When I jumped on ‘the feeds’ this morning, I got three links in and got lost in this wonderful blast from the past! Thanks to a link from Epic Games’ CliffyB (swoon!)  and Scribd member CaptainMidnight, here is ALL of Nintendo Power Issue 1, from way back 1988!

Look at that brilliance! Ahh, it’s just like it was yesterday… I was only 7 years old, and I think we had only just received our NES. Looking at all those pages of weird art makes me long for the Golden Age.

(Seems like I’m not the only one, as  this article over at our friends GamerLimit proves.)

Edit: OMG WUT, seems CliffyB FAKED his Super Mario Bros high score on page 99. This might mean he’s dead to me.

Ass pinching robots! Run!

OK, OK, I missed a week, I know. That’s why we’re calling this week’s Geekly Round-up the Dorknightly Roundup.  If you think the pun is worse than usual, complain to Matt, it was his idea.

To kick things off this week, I’ve been preoccupied with toys … or with playing with things. I have a Gaius Baltar figure that sat on my desk at work and he’s been having adventures throughout the office. Though he didn’t enjoy his swim in the Coffeena Lake.

Speaking of that elixir of the Gods, I’ve been looking for a new mug lately. This one, the MyCuppa from Suck.Uk, is pretty much perfect for when I get my robotic minions. Or the off chance someone else makes me a drink that isn’t alcoholic. Yeah, OK, that isn’t going to happen often, but a girl can dream, right?

As with all things Justified and Ancient, those down in the before places, I am very much in love with these cute little Cthulu Amigurumi toys. Nothing says love like a tiny crocheted Elder God! Best of all, 70% of the profit from these toys goes to charity. So you can feel a bit better about finding a madness inducing Thing That Should Not Be adorable.

Coming up next week, here in Melbourne AU, is the Annual Zombie Shuffle! After three years of attending this event, I’m resorting to Google to find costume inspiration, but this little guy has put my mind at ease, if not my brains. Now, if only I can dismember Matty in such a cute, bloodless way.

If not, I can pretend to be the unholy monster of science I really am, by setting up this Angry Mob Playset outside the toilet door. Why the toilet? I, uh … well …

Quick! Defend yourself against the PIXELS!

Magic made by Maya Pixelskaya

I spend an inordinate amount of time trawling the internet for nerdy things to buy or collect. So in an effort to circumvent spending all my money and to bring a little bit of link spam to Armchair Diplomat, I’ve decided to share that joy with you by way of a Geekly Roundup! To the Internet!

Hailing from Madrid, Maya Pixelskaya has made some amazing LucasArts themed paraphenalia. I found her site through her clever Day of the Tentacle tie (see left), only to find such wonders as Indiana Jones cakes, Maniac Mansion sneakers and a Loom themed Guitar Hero controller. She’s very talented and I really hope she has an auction again! Matt would kill for that guitar.

Designer Olly Moss has combined his favourite games and my favourite collectable – Penguin covers! His Video Game Covers are clever and classy. Check out his other stuff too, I have his ‘Now Panic and Freak Out’ t-shirt from Threadless.

Do you have a small child that you’re just ACHING to desensitise to violence? The Left 4 Dead mobile is for you! Made by and for sale on Etsy, the mobile includes our heroic survivors and a bullet ridden Boomer. Also for sale is a Bioshock inspired one and even a Shadow of the Colossus mobile! There’s plenty of rad non-gaming ones too.

WANT

Sticking in Etsy for the moment, feel like getting creative? There’s a Spock Monkey pattern just begging to be bought and a Squid hat that needs a head to keep it upright! Or perhaps you lack honour and facial ridges, you filthy Peta’Q.

From the world of geeky mechanical creations Jalopnik, we have Dean Storey and his street legal Battlestar Galacti-car (see right). The guy builds and does maintenance on amusement park rides, got a bit bored and decided to make the world a considerably more awesome place.

And finally, something to get you all hyped up before bedtime (just don’t tell your mother it was me!).  Anyone for some Expendables?

With The Expendables trailer now online, it’s finally happened. The end times are upon us! Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis and The Governator are in an action movie together (for what looks like maybe 10 minutes). Bringing up the rear is Jason Statham (worlds best new action star!), Jet Li (last man to kiss Aaliya on screen!), Mickey Rourke (he loves his dogs!), Dolph Lundgren (he scares me!) and Steve Austin (hey, it’s that wrestling guy!). Seriously, all this needed was Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson, but it looks rad to me. KABOOM YEAH!

Got something rad you want people to read about? Did you see something awesome lately? Are you raving lunatic? Then let me know! Hit me up on twitter (either on @ACDiplomat or to get to me directly, try @xutraa)