Apologies for having to step over the giant gap in this series on the way in, gentle reader, but it’s been a troublesome time for bizarre Wii controllers.

You see, no matter what hilariously unlikely idea I seem to think up, it turns out fact is stranger than ficton.  For instance, efforts to mock up a bicycle controller turned out to be true, much to my chagrin, along with replica machine guns.  Hell, even a galaxy far, far away has managed to churn out a few space sidearms for our peripheral crazy consumers.

So it’s been a little challenging to find something new to patent, so I moved on to a long list of non-mainstream “sports” for inspiration.  After a little aimless browsing, I managed to hit pay dirt … or so I thought.  Read on for the latest installment in our Wii controller patent applications, and then join my lament!

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It seems while the focus of most gaming accessories seems to be on entertainment, there are still a few companies who are willing to put the time and effort into producing console versions of household tools.

This week’s new controller patent, developed by “top scientific minds”, continues this lesser known tradition in housework simulation. Care to get in touch with your inner maid?

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This week’s controller patent is designed to simplify your life.  Let’s face it, life is complex enough when not only do you have to keep yourself in shape, but apparently your pets too.  You’re a young, hip Wii owner who needs something to help you with your busy, on-the-go gaming style.

Since the dawn of technology, human beings have been looking for a way to make their hands redundant.  For example, before the invention of the wheel it’s widely accepted ^{[citation needed]} that man walked on his hands, giving him terrible callouses.  Similarly, it’s known that a lot of human beings begin life deaf, but later chose to hear because sign language is such a terrible strain on the wrists.  Well in that vein, this controller extender means that you may never need your hands to talk again.

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Here’s another new patent application for our series of new Wii controllers, fresh off the drafting board (read: the A5 scrap paper I stole from work).

This week, other Wii controller developers have been targeting the music game genre, but we’ve taken a different tack.

People love sports games, right? EA have proven this to us time and time again. But people also like a sense of danger to make things that little bit more exciting, right? Well that’s what we’re aiming aim with this new patent application:

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Another installment into our collection of Nintendo Wii controller patent applications.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it, the way not only does Nintendo seem to feel the need to package every game with a new piece of plastic, but that sometimes they can even make those pieces of plastic obsolete?

Well luckily we only research and develop the most sensible controller ideas, and we’re sure you’re going to love this week’s submission. It caters to the potential green-thumb in all of us. Care to take a look?

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So over the last little while we’ve seen some rather … shall we say interesting patent applications coming out of Nintendo.

While we’re all kind of getting used to the idea of having a controller add-on for every single game released on the Wii, some of the most recent have just been getting plain old stupid. Here for example is the patent application for the Wii-mote Squishy Football controller. Even crazier, here’s the application for the Inflateable Wiimote Saddle controller.

But why stop there? There are just so many other things that we can slot a Wiimote into, and to this end I proudly present part one in a continuing series: New Nintendo Controller Patent Applications! Fancy a chilling look into the future?

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Even Letterman is getting tired of these

So it’s a slow news week.  Everyone in the upper echelons of gaming (with maybe the exception of already afflicted Jim Sterling) has currently come down with a case of swine flu after attending Penny Arcade Expo.  On top of this, overwhelming popularity has seen The Beatles: Rock Band sell out of almost every major video game outlet before poor little old me could snag a copy.

So I was wondering, what does everyone else resort to when they’ve run out of creativity for any given week.  Content tables need to be filled, we can’t just let our readers go back to actually playing games, can we?

Then it hit me.  LIST ARTICLES.  I can’t believe it took me so long to remember what you’re supposed to do when you start scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Now, gentle friends, don’t get me wrong, there are many fine examples of list articles done well.  You may even notice that for all my bitchy sarcasm I’m guilty of writing them myself (inb4 “hypocrite!”).  But I’ll give you a quick example of what my main beef is.  Open up a new tab for me, and wander along to http://digg.com/gaming.  Scroll down, and I can almost guarantee you that at least half of the articles stuck to the front page are “Top Ten x We All y” or “8 Reasons x y‘s z With a Candlestick in the Dining Room”.

So rather than just keep recycling the same old topics, let’s try this one: Gaming’s Top Ten Kinds of Overused “Top 10″ Lists.

Shall we proceed?

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Here’s comic number 2, so fresh off the Photoshop that the pixels haven’t even had time to dry yet. This month’s comic is all about a game that everyone here at Armchair Diplomat is looking forward to: Mass Effect 2!

So for a while now BioWare have been teasing their Twitter followers with cryptic updates on ME2‘s development. I figured “Why wait for them to tell us about it, when we all know what it’s going to be?” Read on, for the comic!

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The new Xbox 360i. It's six times the slim of "another leading brand"!

A very interesting article on Industry Gamers has taken a bit of a vox pop with leading video game analysts to ask them “What are the chances of seeing an Xbox 360 Slim?“.  Now that the PS3 Slim has been confirmed, and everyone has decided to fire up MS Paint to make “confirmed” concept images of a slimmer Xbox 360 instead, it’s nice to hear some thoughtful and interesting opinions on the topic.  Here’s a quick excerpt:

Any reduction in the physical size of a console certainly adds a lot of financial benefits to the manufacturer. A reduced size decreases shipping costs, packaging material, and increases retail shelve space. There are costs, however, such as the cost to re-engineer a new console as well as the cost to modifying the manufacturing process. If the distribution benefits outweigh the costs, Microsoft should (and likely will) one day release a smaller Xbox 360 unit.

-Jesse Divnich from EEDAR

Now while advice and opinions from experts is always a good start for a discussion on any particular topic, we all know what we’re talking about the evolution of here.  Yes, it’s the Xbox 360i™ Lite VX (promotional shot top left).

Sony’s announcement of the PlayStation 3 Slim has started another skirmish in the theatre of console war.  A proverbial “Battle of the Bulge” if you will (not a literal one, obviously, the Ardennes have seen enough bloodshed). While at the beginning of this generation of consoles the race was presumably between technology and computing power, it has recently turned to size, and as the old adage goes: it’s not how big your console is, it’s how you use it.

Some may argue that no-one looks at the entertainment unit while they’re stoking the fire.  Others that a PSOne in the hand is worth a PS2 in the bush.  An even more vocal majority would quip that if it ain’t broken, Microsoft didn’t build it.

And that last adage (I promise!) is kind of the point.  While I’m sure all us narcissistic Xbox consolers would just love a tighter, curvier and slimmer version of our beloved entertainment unit, has anyone stopped to quickly consider the consequences of such cosmetic undertaking?  If the Xbox 360 has an assumed fail rate of around 40% (I’m being generous, I know) at present, with all of the air-venting, bulky fans and heat sinks, what chance would it stand if we crammed it all into a unit the size of your average VHS cassette?

So while we’d all like to think of a brighter future that includes the Xbox 360i™ Lite Limited Edition (Now with Septuple-xCore™ technology!), please don’t forget that you should check the batteries in your smoke alarms at the beginning of both the financial AND calendar year!

In less longwinded fashion, do take a look at the original article, it has actual sane opinions on the matter.

I told you I have one surprise left up my sleeve, content-wise, and today’s the day to show it off.  Say hello to “Armchair Diplomat Comics“, a series of webcomics written by me and Mark, and created by the reprobate Rembrandt behind out beautiful avatars, T-Bone (or Tristan, if you want to get technical).  We’re looking to publish one of these a month, so I hope you enjoy the first.  Just click “Read More” to check it out!

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