Armchair Diplomat

Apologies for having to step over the giant gap in this series on the way in, gentle reader, but it’s been a troublesome time for bizarre Wii controllers.

You see, no matter what hilariously unlikely idea I seem to think up, it turns out fact is stranger than ficton.  For instance, efforts to mock up a bicycle controller turned out to be true, much to my chagrin, along with replica machine guns.  Hell, even a galaxy far, far away has managed to churn out a few space sidearms for our peripheral crazy consumers.

So it’s been a little challenging to find something new to patent, so I moved on to a long list of non-mainstream “sports” for inspiration.  After a little aimless browsing, I managed to hit pay dirt … or so I thought.  Read on for the latest installment in our Wii controller patent applications, and then join my lament!

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In case you're wondering, YES, the game is about sword-wielding cowboys

“You are the last remaining member of a clan that called themselves “The Protectors”. Slain by a fellow clan, calling themselves “The Jackals”, you found your way to safety and now hunt them down for vengeance. You are The Swordsman and you are all that is man!“

I wish that this had been the description of the game given by Ubisoft Paris, but instead they chose to surrender to the press conference and then eat some cheese.

At the “recent” iDef Expo I got my hands on a preview of Red Steel 2, part of the Ubisoft stall. Looking at this game it seemed to check off most of my likes: a Wii game with ninja’s and a slightly cowboy feel. At first glance one would think that this was a video game version of Sukiyaki Western Django (an absolutely boss movie, for all of you out there unaware of it’s brilliance) but it’s not. It’s Wii’s cell-shaded sequel that seems to have made changes for the better. I say that tentatively … tentatively!

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It seems while the focus of most gaming accessories seems to be on entertainment, there are still a few companies who are willing to put the time and effort into producing console versions of household tools.

This week’s new controller patent, developed by “top scientific minds”, continues this lesser known tradition in housework simulation. Care to get in touch with your inner maid?

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Proof!

Well. The end of the first week.

It’s been a trial of sorts. And a lot of jogging. But not necessarily bad.

So, the background: I bought a Wii a week ago, and decided to set an experiment. The rules for this are simple:

1. Using the WiiFit, I’d do 30 minutes a day.
2. Every day, I’d measure my weight (using the built in Body Test).
3. Try and clean up my diet a little (cutting out the ridiculously bad foods… but nothing too taxing).
4. Chart the results.

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This week’s controller patent is designed to simplify your life.  Let’s face it, life is complex enough when not only do you have to keep yourself in shape, but apparently your pets too.  You’re a young, hip Wii owner who needs something to help you with your busy, on-the-go gaming style.

Since the dawn of technology, human beings have been looking for a way to make their hands redundant.  For example, before the invention of the wheel it’s widely accepted ^{[citation needed]} that man walked on his hands, giving him terrible callouses.  Similarly, it’s known that a lot of human beings begin life deaf, but later chose to hear because sign language is such a terrible strain on the wrists.  Well in that vein, this controller extender means that you may never need your hands to talk again.

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Here’s another new patent application for our series of new Wii controllers, fresh off the drafting board (read: the A5 scrap paper I stole from work).

This week, other Wii controller developers have been targeting the music game genre, but we’ve taken a different tack.

People love sports games, right? EA have proven this to us time and time again. But people also like a sense of danger to make things that little bit more exciting, right? Well that’s what we’re aiming aim with this new patent application:

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Another installment into our collection of Nintendo Wii controller patent applications.

It’s frustrating, isn’t it, the way not only does Nintendo seem to feel the need to package every game with a new piece of plastic, but that sometimes they can even make those pieces of plastic obsolete?

Well luckily we only research and develop the most sensible controller ideas, and we’re sure you’re going to love this week’s submission. It caters to the potential green-thumb in all of us. Care to take a look?

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So over the last little while we’ve seen some rather … shall we say interesting patent applications coming out of Nintendo.

While we’re all kind of getting used to the idea of having a controller add-on for every single game released on the Wii, some of the most recent have just been getting plain old stupid. Here for example is the patent application for the Wii-mote Squishy Football controller. Even crazier, here’s the application for the Inflateable Wiimote Saddle controller.

But why stop there? There are just so many other things that we can slot a Wiimote into, and to this end I proudly present part one in a continuing series: New Nintendo Controller Patent Applications! Fancy a chilling look into the future?

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Spreading the word around: a little reminder that there is less than a day left to drop your bids on the case modded SNES PC.  It’s currently sitting around £350.  The Acer Aspire that runs the entire setup is worth around £200 on it’s own, so there is still a lot of room to move on this god-like sculptured testament to technology and nostalgia.

Head over to the eBay listing if you’ve got the scratch, or just interested in stickybeaking!  If they make themselves a decent turnaround for all their hard work, you never know what those clever folk from Asobitech could crank out next.  Crossing fingers for a Master System home server!

SOMEWHERE OVER 19 HOURS LATER: Apparently £350 it is.  Congratulations to the winning bidder, I’m jealous!
SOMEWHERE OVER 19 HOURS LATER STILL: And now, apparently due to a fall-through bidder, it’s relisted.  Hmmmmmm.

Donkey Kong Country STILL won’t be included (you’ll have to buy that seperately), but the SNES case modded PC is now on sale on eBay in the UK!  It’s got a whole week of bidding to go, but if there is any justice in the world this thing should heartily reward it’s creators.

Take a gander.